In the prehistory of man, 12,000 years ago, two members of a superhuman tribe abuse the treasured secret of eternal youth. They use the methods of ritual cannibalism on the children of their own tribe and when discovered by the \'Queen\' of the tribe, they are cursed to an eternity of old age with no chance to ever die.
Now, in present day Los Angeles, their only hope to recapture eternal youth is the ritualistic sacrifice of a 16-year-old female virgin. Their existence is discovered by an investigative reporter and a young runaway child and this leads to an unexplained and terrifying confrontation.
Aldo Ray ... Taft
Meeno Peluce ... Nick
Tamara Taylor ... Bondi
Barbara Monker ... Patty / Tra / Griffith\'s Wife / Petranella
Crackers Phinn ... Mark / Gar
Linnea Quigley ... Bondi\'s Mother
Chris Riley ... Cowboy
Lara Morann ... Bondi at 8 Years
Earl Statler ... Griffith
Cambra Foldes ... Patty\'s Victim
K.L. Garber ... Nick\'s Mother
David Ariniello ... Boy Fishing
Steven Lovy ... Mugger
Janet Giglio ... Runaway Girl
Doug White ... Spanish Priest
Now I\'ve seen my fair share of garbage over the years. Hell, I admit to actively seeking it out. But nothing prepared me for this little wonder.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I can hear you all say. We\'ve seen Zombie Flesh Eaters 2, we\'ve seen all of Ed Wood\'s little wonders, we\'ve even sat through a Fred Olen Ray movie marathon. FORGET IT! You ain\'t seen this.
OK, let\'s start with the plot which is actually fairly complex for a film of this quality, it\'s also totally ludicrous. Incestuous, murdering cave siblings are cursed to live for eternity living off the flesh of the young until they can sacrifice a virginal descendant of the tribe when two stars with silly names come into alignment. In a whirlwind 10 minutes of celluloid the brother rents a room, marries the landlady, has a daughter with her who becomes a teenager and runs away from home due to turbulent family life. From there she meets two other runaways who coincidentally live with the sister of the cave pair. The kids rumble their game, zombies rise from the ground, laser beams are shot from eyes, and the two \'eternal\' siblings are killed.
Got that? Right. It gets worse. Everything about this film goes way beyond amateur, from the \'old person\' make up, to the Persian rug cavemen clothes, to the dissolve shot ageing FX. The lighting is abysmal; spot lights are shone straight into the set giving each shot an early silent film style ring of shadow around the edge of the shot. The acting is appalling, especially from the grimacing Crackers Phinn. The plot progresses at bizarre speeds, some scenes dragging on for way too long and other plot points zooming past at top speed.
Despite all of the above (or perhaps because of it) I love this movie. I really could bang on about it for days but I won\'t. If you ever find a copy (which isn\'t easy) you have to see it. I defy you to find anything worse in such a truly wonderful way (Invitation To Hell comes close).
Horror fans will also be interested to see a very early appearance by Linnea Quigley, who shows from an early age her willingness to take her top off.
I read the warnings online. Despite them, I stupidly went out and rented this piece of garbage. Wow. I\'ve been let-down by a movie before, but never by a movie I had no expectations for anyway. This was just bad. First of all, the intro takes place \"12,000 years ago\"... which would make the characters 10,000 years older than Christ, but they speak VERY good American English... wow. THAT\'S an impressive feat, almost as impressive as going on a 12,000 year-long murdering spree and not being caught once. Another impressive feat would have to be the awesome special effects they used to show aging... which were the exact same effects used in The Wolf Man almost 40 years prior to this. Incredible. [sarcasm]
Yes folks, this movie includes it all: bad acting, stupid effects, weak plot, and best of all, two 12,000 year old murderers, everything. The only thing this movie has going for it, in my opinion, is that it\'s hard to find.
You\'ve got to give director Lawrence D. Foldes and his co-writer Linwood Chase some credit for coming up with some fairly original junk here: two prehistoric kids are caught engaging in acts of cannibalism and are sentenced by their tribal elder (for our convenience, all of these \"prehistoric\" folks speak perfect English) to an eternity of being old. They live on through the ages, maintaining youthful appearances by feeding on the guts of various unlucky victims. Then, in early 70\'s Los Angeles, the male of the two marries a young hottie landlord (Linnea Quigley) and impregnates her. Why is this so important? Because if he and his sis sacrifice the kid once she reaches the age of 16, they are granted eternal youth.
I told you this was crazy stuff. The graphic gore earned this a spot on the notorious \"Video Nasty\" list, although in truth it\'s used more sparingly than you\'d think, as the film focuses on its unconventional plot. While not at all good technically (get a load of the incredibly unconvincing old-age makeup), it\'s freaky enough to keep some folks watching out of sheer fascination.
The level of exploitation is quite high: the imperiled heroine Bondi (cute and appealing Tamara Taylor, who actually does the best work in the picture, although that\'s not saying much) hitches a ride with some dudes in a van (one of them played by the director) who promptly start attempting to rape her. But that ain\'t it. She acquires an eight-year-old little friend named Nick (Meeno Peluce) at one point who feels her up while she\'s sleeping! Top-billed veteran actor Aldo Ray doesn\'t get very much to do, and the rest of the cast is, to put it charitably, underwhelming. The actor playing Mark / Gar has one of the strangest stage names that I\'ve ever heard: Crackers Phinn. Quigley doesn\'t have as much screen time as one would think, although her fans should be pleased that right from the beginning of her career she never had any qualms about getting naked.
The climax is one definitely head-scratching W.T.F. sequence. It involves the cheesiest special effects of the whole production and certainly gave me some good laughs.
This is the kind of thing that the adventurous simply have to see for themselves.
I caught this (though not the whole film) on The Horror Channel (UK), and last month it came out on DVD. I got myself a copy (since it was cheap) to mock review for my upcoming website.
This movie is regarded by some to be the \"best bad movie of all time\".
The plot? Well, it\'s an incoherent mess, but here goes... *deep breath* Two cannibal people, one male one female, from a crazy tribe of cannibals in the past got in trouble so an old lady who thinks she\'s in charge cursed them. The curse causes them to live forever as immortals but constantly age, but they can retain their youth by every certain number of years eating the insides of a virgin who happens to be the guy\'s daughter, or something like that. So the guy gets married and raises a daughter called Bonnie. And then she one day runs away to the park which is like abandoned and lives in this abandoned house with an old lady (who is obviously the female cannibal), a little kid who swears, and a guy who they call \'cowboy\'. The two cannibals want to do some ritual on Bonnie and eat her guts. WHAT WILL SHE DO?!!
The film does feature Linnea Quigely in her first ever role, and yes, she gets her bits out. Though obviously not quite as much as in Return of the Living Dead! Most of the actors do a rubbish job, though, and the camera-work, directing and effects are all absurdly bad for it\'s time - after the first time I watched it I was stunned to find out it was an early 80\'s flick, it barely passes as an early 70\'s low budget horror! - and absurd pointless ideas just appear now and then which will just get you laughing.
Oh and did I mention the SUPER CANNIBAL LASER EYES? That\'s right, when somebody ticks them off they can use their SUPER CANNIBAL LASER EYES on them. Doesn\'t kill them. Just makes them hurt a little, apparently.
The whole thing feels like something some students might make, only I doubt even students would include SUPER CANNIBAL LASER EYES.
Top notch if you want to see a really bad movie and laugh. If on the other hand you are after a decent horror movie, I would recommend that you DON\'T GO NEAR THE DVD.